We have a new phone. It was delivered today by a fella fresh from the Amazon Jungle and Mr B was well pleased that it had arrived at last.
In case some of you are getting
excited about whether we have taken possession of the latest I-Phone and what we are doing with our old one (as in, looking for someone to whom we could donate it) I must hastily disappoint you all by making it clear that our new phone is a common or
garden landline hand set. Yes, some of us do still have a landline, you know, strange as it may seem.
Nor can we donate our old phone to some worthy person or cause because Mr B accidentally dropped it
down the loo. It was in the top pocket of his shirt at the time but made a giant dive from pocket to porcelain when least expected.
You might think that blame for this sorry accident, if indeed blame were
to be apportioned, would rest solidly on Mr B's shoulders. Am I right or am I right? No, you're right, I'm in the wrong. It seems that if I hadn't been out gadding about at the time, then Mr B would not have had to carry the phone around with him in case anyone
called. This is necessary, he says, warming to his theme, because he would never otherwise be able to reach the phone in time to answer before the caller hangs up. (He fails to mention the many times I have rung him from the Pulse bus on my way home from Wherever
I Have Been, only to hear the phone ringing and ringing away in his shirt pocket while he slumbers on like the Sleeping Beauty.) In short, the fact that we needed a ew phone was All My Fault.
I wonder what
it is like never to be wrong? Wouldn't one become an insufferably smug, self-satisfied person? I only ask because I am never likely to know and it is somehow comforting to imagine that I have been saved from becoming insufferable. Mr B, I feel sure, will
be pleased to have been of service.
The first set of phones ordered from the Amazon Jungle never arrived. An apologetic email finally informed us that our parcel had been returned to sender, so badly damaged
it was beyond repair. No, I'm pretty sure that this, at least, can't be laid at my door. In any manner of speaking.
Our second order arrived swiftly and intact, to Mr B's immense pleasure. Which quickly turned
to frustration as, under his instruction, I battled to instal the handset on the hall table. It should have been easy-peasy, of course it should - but lurking under the hall table was a spider's web of cables, some grey, some white, all tangled. Which cables
led to the Broadband box, which to the Lifeline, which to the old handset? Was there a particular order in which appropriate cables needed to be unplugged or switched? How would I tackle this task without leaving us completely cut off from the Outside World?
Couldn't it wait until after we had had our lunch? Classic delaying tactic on my part but my Mr B was not having any of it.
Finally I tracked down every cable to its source and executed the required actions.
The telephone worked, we could still access the World Wide Web and the sweet woman in the Lifeline call centre said we were coming through loud and clear. Lunch? I queried, hopefully.
But no, first we had
to fix the second new handset in the study upstairs. More dusty cables, more tangled wires but with the added excitement of needing to find a way of manoeuvring the new handset up through a hole in the desk, leaving its plug and cable to be threaded under
the desk, behind the back of a cabinet and out by the socket on the wal.
All this goes to prove that he (or she) who tries can generally succeed. I feel rather pleased with myself, I tell Mr B. He
doesn't look convinced but cheers up when I prepare perfect boiled eggs for our lunch. At least that's sorted, he says. It's almost - if not quite - a compliment.
Except, except...I've just remembered that
all our important phone numbers were carefully stored on our old phone, making it possible to make a call without ever having to look up anybody's telephone number. It's going to take simply ages but Somebody is going to have to spend time feeding the numbers
of all our Nearest and Dearest into the new handset.
That'll be me then...