Let me introduce myself. My name is Willow and I am a cat, sister of Trixie, who is also a cat. I have taken over the Daily Blog today in the interests of setting the record straight concerning a certain recent visitor
to our home. She knows who she is...
Trixie and I moved into our Forever Home some time ago now. There were four sitting tenants who apparently couldn’t
be evicted for some purely human reason, but to be honest they haven’t been too much of a problem. They do provide us with food and drink, presumably in lieu of paying us rent - which is fine by us. They have also provided us with collars which we initially
resented on the grounds of these being a breach of the Cat Rights Act, but they have proved their worth in that only we can pass through the cat flap while other neighbourhood moggies are turned away. Sometimes one has to accept unwelcome encumbrances in the
interests of the Greater Good. The humans in our house feel much the same way about wearing face masks...
As I say, we get along tolerably well with our tenants,
especially the younger male who seems to understand Cat in a quite remarkable way for a human. What we weren’t bargaining for was the introduction of a visitor, a relative of our tenants, for a long weekend. Nobody even asked our permission which, I’m
sure you would agree, would have been only right. Anyway, She came - and promptly camped down in the exact bedroom where I prefer to doze. I mean, the liberty!
It wasn’t as if She turned out to be a useful member of our Cat / Human Community. As far as I can recall, She never so much as lifted a finger to help with the running of the house, apart from occasionally switching on the kettle so as
to avail herself of yet another of the innumerable mugs of coffee She consumed over the course of a day. She stayed in bed late every morning, often had an extra nap in the afternoon, and allowed everyone else to run around after her. Well, not Trixie and
I, of course - we wouldn’t stoop to such craven behaviour, not when we are always so busy climbing out of bedroom windows onto the conservatory roof or stalking butterflies in the back garden.
I even overheard her talking to the older female human who appears to be her daughter (poor thing!) about a book She had read called “To Be a Cat”. The premise of this ridiculous fairy story is that there are certain
people in this world who are humans who have somehow been turned into cats, living alongside cats who have been turned into humans. The trick is to recognise them for their real self through studying their character. Personally I can't think of anything worse
than being a human. All that balancing on your hind legs - and no tail! All I can say is that Trixie and I are All Cat. Always have been, always will be. So there.
worst moment came one evening when the Visitor had retired to her bedroom for the night . Earlier She had found me sleeping on the bed, as is my wont, and went haring off, hollering “There’s a Willow on my bed!” until one of the younger humans
came and ejected me from my rightful place. I was not a Happy Cat, I can tell you. I did sneak back in when She wasn’t looking because there was no way I was going to let her think I could be treated so shabbily; unfortunately, somehow or other, I found
myself shut in the wardrobe by Persons Unknown.
I must have been there for at least half an hour, scratching at the wardrobe door and making SOS noises,
before She finally realised something was wrong, opened the door and released me to freedom.
You are probably thinking I should have been grateful to her
for rescuing me and initially I was. That’s before I heard her explaining to the others how She had been lying in bed, wondering what the rustling noise was and from whence it was coming.
“I thought it might be a mouse!” she exclaimed.
Oh, the nerve of her. There could be no greater insult than to call
a cat a mouse. How dare she?!
All I can say is that if She comes again - and from what I heard this is a distinct possibility - we will have to establish some
If She doesn’t conform, then I can only warn that the consequences will be Cat-astrophic.....